my dirty little secret.

Apparently I’m supposed to be ashamed that I’m taking prozac and I shouldn’t be telling anyone.
I hate the stigma attached to taking anti depressants. That is why I fought it for so long. I wanted to get better on my own because I wasn’t “crazy”. Only crazy and weak people needed pills to get better. At least that’s what I was told. That is not true. I had to get help, I was on a dark and dangerous path and I wanted to get better for my children.
My parents would freak out if they knew I was taking it. They would tell me I’m like this because I have turned my back on God and that he’s the only one who can make me better.
I realize that the medication is not the only the answer, I am taking other steps to get well, but obviously, I needed it. For the past few months I had cried nonstop, all night, while my kids were at school. I have felt overwhelmed by the most simple tasks, like housework, paying bills, etc. I haven’t been out much because of the way I feel. It’s a horrible place to be. Depression is real and it’s ugly. So why should I be ashamed because I’m trying to get better?
I am already feeling stronger. I haven’t cried in a few days and slowly I’m picking up the pieces of the mess I’ve made of things here. It’s not easy and I’m sure there are going to be many bumps in the road to getting healthy again and finding peace, but I’m trying and that’s all I can do. I am not weak because I needed help in the process.

28 thoughts on “my dirty little secret.

  1. Da Goddess

    Oh fuck that, Yvonne! Medications are available for a reason.
    Would ANYONE other than a damn idiot tell a diabetic NOT to take their meds? NO.
    Depression is like any other medical condition. Some people do not manufacture enough of certain neurotransmitters and, fortunately, there are medications to pick up the slack.
    For anyone giving Yvonne a bad time about this, you have no clue as to what’s involved.
    Yvonne, don’t take crap from anyone. The meds take time, but they’re well worth the wait.
    I’m pulling for ya, girl!

  2. dasheekeejones

    who the fuck said you have to be ashamed and shouldn’t tell people?
    god damn i hate stigmas against depression and depressed people’s therapy.
    slip a benzo in their drink and tell them to fuck off.
    you are doing everything right yvonne! don’t you ever be ashamed.
    as for a mess, you haven’t. depression and actions there of are your body’s response and wake up call to you to say “yvonne, make yourself happy. go out there and find what makes you happy.”
    i love ya girl and i’m not ashamed to call you a friend.

  3. Cyberangel

    What she said.
    I’ve been down the anti-depressant road. Yes, there is stigma & misunderstanding. But there are a lot of people that have been where you are, too.
    Keep your chin up, girl. With meds & the “other steps” you will be able to get back to yourself again.
    Don’t listen to ANYONE that says you’re weak. It’s bullshit.
    And you don’t HAVE to tell your parents. You’d probably hear the same thing I did, that it’s a demon attacking you. Maybe it is spiritual warfare, maybe not. But I know the meds helped, in spite of the side affects.
    Here if you need anything, or to talk to someone that’s been down that road.
    Becky

  4. KB

    You should not be ashamed for taking anti-depressants if they are helping you get better. Like you said it’s important that you’re taking other steps as well. It won’t be easy and you realize that.
    I say “good for you!” Keep on taking care of you. It’s the only way you’ll ever be able to take care of anyone else. And remember you are loved…

  5. Theresa

    Taking the first step to get help is the hardest. Ignore the people that think you’re “crazy”. I think you’d be more crazy not to take anti-depressants if you need them. Depression is usually from a chemical imbalance, not from a weak personality. In fact, you’re so strong you got help when you knew you needed it, and that takes a hell of a lot of guts. I’m sure you’ll make it through this for you and your family and becuase you’re such a strong person.

  6. K2

    Tell those idiots to go fuck themselves!
    You recognized that you needed help and you sought it out. That’s NOT an easy step to take and you should be damned proud of yourself and willing to shout it to the world!
    Is your family proud of you? Do you feel better about yourself? (From what you’ve posted Id say those answers are “yes” and “yes”). Good! The rest of them all can just stick it up their sorry asses!
    AD’s are medicine to fight an illness. Its like anti rejection drugs, or antibiotics, or diabetes meds or cold meds…. OK, Im rambling. Sorry.
    Geez….. people are fucking idiots.

  7. lee

    Admitting to weakness is the hardest thing a person can do. It takes an incredible amount of strength and self-confidence, and the decision to do so often comes at a time when both are at their lowest. I applaud you for being so open and honest, and for making such a difficult and mature decision.
    And I am glad to hear you’re feeling better :)

  8. gojou

    Yvonne, the only opinions that matter are your man’s, your kids’, and your own. Fuck everybody else.

  9. Ruthie

    “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.”
    -Bill Cosby
    “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
    -Ralph Waldo Emerson

  10. a different Bill

    My wife is on prozac as well, and I certainly ain’t ashamed of her for it. She had many of the same symptoms as you, and some that were different. I sincerely hope you are not having the same side effects she is having (if you wanna know, ask me privately).
    I’ll echo everyone else and say that meds alone aren’t the answer, but keep on them and keep your chin up as much as you can, and eventually you will get to where you don’t need them any more.

  11. lucky kitty

    take it from me-there is not a god damned thing wrong with taking meds… you are doing what is best for you and your babies. Screw everyone else. And bill is right-there are side effects-dont be afraid to tell your dr. Celexa is a great alternative and i have not had the same side effects as with Prozac.
    Love you!

  12. Lisa, Gal of Unix

    Who told you that – to be ashamed?? Assholes. Don’t ever be ashamed to to ask for help or to accept it. It’s not an easy thing to do and I’m really proud of you. *hugs*

  13. Susan

    Shame on anyone for even uttering those words to you. You are definitely doing what’s right for you right now.
    My Celexa has done wonderful things for my life. Do I think of it as my “happy pill”? No. I remind myself every morning to take my medication. Because that’s what it is. Pulling yourself out of depression takes time and lots of talking to figure out what got you there in the first place.
    Give your meds time. It took mine about three weeks. Then about two months in I needed an adjustment. You’ll be shocked at how totally different your life can be (in a really FABULOUS way).
    Hang in there! And remember, you are a strong person!

  14. racheal

    thank you,
    some part of me needed to read that. i haven’t been up for the world the last few days, some how things came crashing down and when they did, it all fell down hard.
    but i was doing so good, so good. it hurts, i feel weak. but hurt or feel so numb?
    i don’t know what’s wrong and how everything fell apart again.
    i love you.
    thank you again, i felt so alone tonight.
    and you helped made it almost okay a while

  15. Jules

    My best friend is on anti-depressents and it has helped a lot. She mentioned last month that she was happy again. It takes time though
    Don’t let other people’s views dictate your life
    (heh heh heh, ‘dictate’. “Use ‘dictate’ in a sentence, Buckwheat… “) :|

  16. DogsDon'tPurr

    You go girl! I can tell already that things are better. Do what you need to do….there is only a stigma if you don’t get help. You are doing the right thing!

  17. Nicole

    Coincidentally, my grandfather was recently put on anti-anxiety meds and is really freaked out about it. My grandmother doesn’t help — she calls them his “nerve pills.” I tried to put his mind at ease last time I was home…I said, “Pappap, almost everyone I know is on anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds. Everyone has stress and some people need a little help so they don’t have heart attacks or wig out.” He looked a little relieved, but I doubt it did any good. He still refuses to take them regularly — he likes to get good and freaked out and then stay up all night reading his bible before he takes his meds. It’s ridiculous. I’m glad to see that you suffer no such problems! Prozac for everyone! Woohoo!

  18. Liz

    Yvonne,
    The people that want you and everyone else to ‘keep the (so-called) dirty secret’ are the same ones that talk about menopause and sex behind their hand like it is all so unnatural and wrong. I applaud and say “BRAVO!” to you for standing up for your health and your happiness. Be proud of your step toward Peace and Joy! You know they say God made the earth and everything it in…well if that is the case…drugs that help us just have to be under that umbrella! Good luck and you are still in my thoughts.
    Liz

  19. Susan

    I lurk around here all of the time, and I haven’t posted on your troubles because I don’t want you to think that my field of study has any bearing on how much I connect with your struggles with depression. But I feel compelled to post on this one…
    Medications are NOT evil. You have not done anything wrong by seeking help. This is the reason why the drug companies have designed such products. I commend you for being so honest and willing to seek help about such a stigmatized issue. You are honestly trying to help yourself through this, and for people to berate you while you are already struggling is unacceptable. Keep working toward your ideal health, and the rest of your life will shift into place. Your strength is inspiring.
    I think I’m done. {{{Yvonne}}}

  20. rachel

    Yvonne, my brother has depression and has taken meds off and on. I think he stopped taking the one due to the way it made him feel (side effects). I can tell when he is not taking them. He is a huge workaholic and can stay at work all day and night if he felt like it. He has struggled for a while. I wonder if depression doesn’t affect me sometimes and if that chemical imbalance that he has runs in the family. I cry for no reason and have some down days but otherwise feel fine. It just seems to make me wonder at what point one has to be on medication.
    I know others too that are on Prozac and from what I have seen, they have no problem with being on it and talking openly about it. More people than you would imagine are on it or something like it.
    I am glad you have taken this big step. Best wishes.

  21. method

    Yvonne,
    You’re wrong about medications NOT being the answer. Sometimes they are. Sure, there are other things you need to be doing to keep yourself healthy and free from depression. The prozac enables you to do that. I used to think the same thing about prozac, no way was I going to take it! I’m not weak!
    Today I know that it was the right choice. It keeps me balanced enough that I can have some control over my life. When I forget to take it for a while, my life is unmanageable because my brain’s going haywire.
    Hang in there, and don’t feel stigmatized because you’re taking it. Feel *empowered*. You’re one of the few that take their life into their own hands, and take control. The others just sit around and whine about “poor me, I’m depressed, feel sorry for me” and all that other sorry-assed sh#t.

  22. Mad Bull

    Respect, Yvonne… Glad to see you’re taking steps to help YOU! Tell all the nay sayers to go screw themselves… Keep it up, and I wish you all the best with your treatment.

  23. rickg

    maybe medication IS the answer – for YOU. maybe therapy along with the medication. having the courage to admit you need help and seek it is the hardest step to take. mental illness in all it’s myriad forms is stigmatized in our society; you will come face to face with that many times. when you do, just remember where you were compared to where you are.
    it’s one day at a time. it’s trial and error, trying different solutions, and having the tenacity to keep trying, because most likely it’s a combination of things that will help you. and it’s also very likely that one thing will work for a while then taper off. there is no “magic bullet.” what you have is very real, no matter what others may tell you or think. demand answers to your questions. this is a part of you, just like your skin.
    always try to deal with what’s real and important: your illness, your family, your health. build a strong foundation to stand on and you’ll have a shorter distance to climb when you stumble. and you will stumble. but there will always be loving hands there to help you back up, steady you, and walk the path with you. accept their help.
    i’ve been where you are.

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