don’t ask me why, but i was thinking about my first
vagina inspection pap smear. i remember i was terrified of it. the reason why was that, well, no one had ever seen it before (my vagina, that is) and i had this overwhelming fear that is wasn’t normal. i can’t explain it, but i just had this nightmare that the doctor would take one look at it ,tell me to stay right there and go get another doctor. they would both be standing there, just looking at it with these puzzled looks on their faces. i’d be laying there, panicked, wondering “what the hell is wrong me it? but i couldn’t speak. i would just lay there in silence, in fear, wondering what was wrong with it. was it too big? too small? was it shaped funny? i’m completely serious that i was afraid of that happening.
i was 18 and made my appointment for the dreaded ‘smear. they called me into the room and told me to get naked and put the gown on. i layed there on the cold table in complete horror, wondering what they’d discover when they finally took a look. the doctor entered the room, she was very friendly and talkative. she put my legs up in the stir-ups and pulls up my gown. i took a deep breath. what comes out of her mouth? “OHHHHHHHHHHH gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, would you look at that! are you in any pain or having discomfort (as she’s staring between my legs, mind you)?” i suddenly feel hot and panicky. oh.my.god, i think to myself! my nightmare is coming true. i was mortified! i knew the ol’ vaginer wasn’t normal! i knew this would happen! “why, what’s the problem?” i ask. “well, looks like you might have a yeast infection.” *PHEW* “really? that’s all? i’m not abnormal? i mean, they sell cream for that, right? it’s curable?” she just laughed and told me to buy some stuff over the counter.
enjoy your dinner, and think of me as you’re passing the bread.