too much information, way too much.

don’t ask me why, but i was thinking about my first vagina inspection pap smear. i remember i was terrified of it. the reason why was that, well, no one had ever seen it before (my vagina, that is) and i had this overwhelming fear that is wasn’t normal. i can’t explain it, but i just had this nightmare that the doctor would take one look at it ,tell me to stay right there and go get another doctor. they would both be standing there, just looking at it with these puzzled looks on their faces. i’d be laying there, panicked, wondering “what the hell is wrong me it? but i couldn’t speak. i would just lay there in silence, in fear, wondering what was wrong with it. was it too big? too small? was it shaped funny? i’m completely serious that i was afraid of that happening.
i was 18 and made my appointment for the dreaded ‘smear. they called me into the room and told me to get naked and put the gown on. i layed there on the cold table in complete horror, wondering what they’d discover when they finally took a look. the doctor entered the room, she was very friendly and talkative. she put my legs up in the stir-ups and pulls up my gown. i took a deep breath. what comes out of her mouth? “OHHHHHHHHHHH gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, would you look at that! are you in any pain or having discomfort (as she’s staring between my legs, mind you)?” i suddenly feel hot and panicky. oh.my.god, i think to myself! my nightmare is coming true. i was mortified! i knew the ol’ vaginer wasn’t normal! i knew this would happen! “why, what’s the problem?” i ask. “well, looks like you might have a yeast infection.” *PHEW* “really? that’s all? i’m not abnormal? i mean, they sell cream for that, right? it’s curable?” she just laughed and told me to buy some stuff over the counter.

enjoy your dinner, and think of me as you’re passing the bread.

13 thoughts on “too much information, way too much.

  1. Jules

    way too much information indeed. :)
    Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That’s Vagiclean. We’ve got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She’s baking a loaf of bread and I think it’s sourdough.

    - “Me, Myself & Irene”
    Happy Holidays everybody! :P

  2. Tracy

    And just for the record, I felt the same way when I went for the first time. I was positive they were going to tell me I was “formed wrong” or something. Somehow, 12 years and a baby later, I still kinda worry about that, which is just whacked.
    ANYWAAAAYY…This was SO not a post for men…

  3. bozzy

    I was scared like that for my first physical…I think I was 16 or something…I was so scared…and be glad that you don’t have testicles and that male doctors never have felt them for lumps. Yuck.
    thanks for bringing that back to my mind. ;) :) must go take repress-it-all
    lol

  4. Veshka

    I wasn’t so worried about my first pap smear (other than the fact that it really doesn’t sound that appealing). I had a pretty good feeling that things were going to be just fine… But after my 2nd one, they thought they saw abnormal cells. They have been keeping an eye on me since the get go because cervical cancer seems to run in droves among the first born females in my family (which I am a part of). So, when they told me that I was going in for a #3 pap smear, I thought “OK, my third pap smear, that’s ok”. Little did I know that a #3 pap smear involves those q-tip thingies, but they’re the size of someone’s thumb, plus a microscope thing and some sort of clamp/rippers to get skin samples… No one informed me of what was going on ahead of time, all I knew was my appointment was at the hospital at 8:00 am. There I was, 16 years old, sitting in a paper gown with foam slippers with stamped happy faces on the toes, in a room with a bunch of women in their late 30′s, all going in for the same reason… Then, there’s the whole fear I have of being put under, and the exam was in an operating room, and me freaking out… Fun fun fun.
    Good post, and there’s a bunch more information no one needed to know :)

  5. Nicole

    I’m surprised your didn’t pee yourself right there — hearing any sort of exclamation of horror when I doctors got his hands on your hooha is not good.

  6. Zander

    I love you posts Yvonne! You just tell everything like it is! I am debating right now whether to say some things very very unpolitically correct in my blog today, but it is the way things are, and people don’t believe it.
    Oh and you should try being a 5yo in the hospital for diabetes and wearing those little hospital gowns and having a doctor feel you up for an examination and say while holding onto your penis…”nurse, let’s get this IV changed okay?”
    WHAT IS AN IV AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO GO IN MY PENIS? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  7. dave

    You have absolutely no clue how many women I know say that exact same thing to me. I don’t know why, but I seem to have those friends who talk to me as if I were one of the girls.. This boyfriend doesn’t do this, that boyfriend doesn’t do that, they’ve got gas, yadda, yadda, yadda.
    All of them have this irrational fear that there is something horribly wrong with their vaginas. That it’s too small, too big, too wide, too thin, too intricate (that’s what my best friend told me once, I couldn’t stop laughing for weeks), looks like this, looks like that, smells like this…
    It’s mind boggling.

  8. hugh

    The first chick I ever went down on had a yeast infection and didnt tell me. I ate her pussy for like 20 minutes. It had the thick white cream inside that tasted kind of tart. I thought it was normal at the time. Funny huh?

  9. simon

    Glad I read through this. Now for My dose of repress-it-all. Had been worked up over my work, life and the silly season! You put it all in perspective, it was good to realize that I am not the only one with emotions that present themselves at the wrong time. This living your deepest experiences on the Internet stuff really is good for some!! Let the freaks find their own healing !!

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